Humor

How Twitter is Destroying Your Mind

It’s called parsing. It means that you cannot think of anyone or anything over 140 characters long. Each letter, number, punctuation point and space counts as a character. Twitter rules as well as destroys.

As you probably have heard around the coffee shop, Twitter is now being blamed for causing America to go mindless. Buy hey, come on, how can Twitter be responsible for the pre-Twitter status quo?

Blame is easy because Twitter is a newbie on the street corner of interactive Web 2.0 sites. One simply logs onto Twitter and it’s free expression as long as it’s 140 characters or less.

Now realistically it is not fair, though admittedly very convenient, to blame America’s total lack of attention and focus on Twitter. It’s not Twitter’s fault this is an election year.

Twitter is simply software that just sits there until one enters their 140 characters or less, regardless of who is running for President.

But it’s all worth it in the end because the Twitter community has a steady stream of new members; many of whom just might become your Followers. Followers are a type of fan and you are the Followed. So to speak or rather twitter.

The truth is, like many Web 2.0 unwritten “givens” if one Follows you, you should respectfully Follow them back.

Whether you actually do Follow or not is not really the point, it’s Web 2.0 courtesy to respond in kind. Be nice or leave.

Of course one should morally Follow back out of courtesy so that more folks don’t jump off the Golden Gate Bridge; imagine the trauma of Twitter rejection.

But just because one Follows, doesn’t actually mean one follows, in Twitter terms of course.

There’s no getting around it. How truly embarrassing when one goes back over the archives!

Some poor soul thinks they are carrying on some sort of dialogue with you and it’s clear you are taking off wherever you wish totally ignoring them and everything else: my gosh, what must they all be thinking? Or rather, twittering?

Are they somehow subliminally twittering with me? One eventually starts to wonder: what is really going down here?

But whatever you do, don’t lose control because you committed a downright ugly Twitter indiscretion. You know, something you are afraid might pop up on you-know-who’s Google search.

But if you do sin, one of the Twitter strategies for covering up your indiscretion is simply moving on. Or in other words, bury it in the archives.

Twittering away with goofy and silly nonsense does wonders for burying the Twitter where you called your boss an infected scab. And worse.

But no worries, in the end Twitter is all so stylishly superficial anyway. If there is any Twitter style that has emerged, it is the cutesy superficial style.

That is probably because every California valley girl twitters night and day but of course that’s how they talk as well as Twitter.

If you like Search, Twitter has a good search function but with billions of Twitters it’s like getting 10,000 hits on a search.

And since so many Twitters are twatter, it’s sort of like ‘what’s the point?’ One can only assume some sort of alternative self therapy involved with these Twitter search freaks…

Which seems strange since the original idea was for your friends to know what you are thinking and doing every minute of the day.

It seems even stranger if you are married, but remember you too were once young and for some reason were once interested in those sorts of things.

Besides, how important can your thoughts while doing laundry really be?

The answer is not really important at all and that best describes the real strength of Twitter; it’s artificial and not very important at all.

It’s contrived except for those that already think in Twitter. So for those folks relatively speaking, they are twittering but really not in Twitter terms of course.

If it sounds too complex it’s really not. Twittering requires only superficial usage of scattered parts of the brain and very quickly you will notice numerous Twitterers that do not express any sort of thought whatsoever.

They have a hope that someday a miracle will happen.

It’s sort of like “hi, I’m here trying to think, not much yet in terms of results but will keep on trying and keep you posted or rather twittered should I actually think something.”

That’s because recent research showed some 87% of we Twitterers have less than a two second attention span.

Call it parsing or call it scatterbrained but the reality is a society hooked on Twitter and Sudoku is a society with way too much free time on its hands. And that spells big trouble.

But on the upside, even though we really aren’t important, we can impress other unimportant people that we are in fact important because we Twitter.

In global terms, we should be thankful. Twitter is showing us a very important and revealing aspect of our humanity: a mind is not necessary for self expression. Or, as we say out here in California, “No es necessario!”

So go ahead, feel free to exercise your mindless self expression. Go ahead, Twitter me, I dare ya!

Jack Deal twitters under the avatar jackddeal as well as own JD Deal Local Search Marketing, Salinas and Santa Cruz, California 831-457-8806. Related articles, twitters, quotes, ideas, strategies, tactics and tips can be found at .

Are You Careful What You Wish For?

If you’ve wished for a healthy, fast-food breakfast at home, quick breads might be for you. Because they are leavened without yeast, you don’t have to wait around for them to rise. Because you can add fruit, nuts, whole grains and other good stuff to the many available recipes, quick breads are much healthier than commercially baked breads. According to a recipe I found on line, I could have fresh blueberry pecan muffins in less than thirty minutes. Yes, they are quick to fix; but there doesn’t seem to be a quick fix for laziness.

Laziness isn’t a word you’d associate with the 2008 Olympic swimming trials in Omaha, Nebraska; but controversy is. The controversy started at the 2000 Olympics when Australia’s Ian Thorpe won three gold medals and two silver medals wearing a full-body swimsuit. Now Speedo, having tested sixty fabrics in order to lower skin friction drag, has developed its full-body swimsuit – the LZR Racer. Thirty-eight world records have been broken by competitors wearing the LZR Racer since it was released in February. Non-wearers, who can’t keep up with swimsuit technology, are upset. One competitor is so upset he became involved with a different kind of suit – an anti-trust suit.

For people who have been wishing for an inexpensive, non-gas-guzzling car, there’s the Zap Xebra. It’s a converted motorcycle rickshaw that was developed in the U.S. and modified in China. This $12,000, all-electric vehicle goes 40 mph, gets 25 miles per charge and costs only $10-$12 per month to drive. That’s the good news. The bad news is this four-seated vehicle has a weight capacity of 303 lbs. That’s about 75 lbs. per passenger. If the Xebra is what you have wished for, maybe you should wish for light-hearted passengers too.

The Nielson Company estimates how many people – lighthearted or not – are watching television and advertisers pay for airtime based on those estimates. That’s the way it’s been since the 1940’s. Now, however, viewers have a choice of more than three hundred channels. Now there must be a better way. There is – the cable box. The cable box knows what every cable viewer is watching. When you combine that information with the information the supermarket computer knows when we use our club card, you get what advertisers want to know – payoff on return of investment. While Nielson is monitoring twelve thousand people, Big Brother will be monitoring us.

KNIGHT PIERCE HIRST takes humorous looks at life.
Take a minute to make yourself smile at
http://knightwatch.typepad.com

Do You Have Time To Weight?

To lose weight requires motivation and that can be harder to find than diet books or exercise machines. Experts suggest setting goals and rewarding yourself when you reach those goals. Other suggestions include going to exercise classes, working out with a partner and keeping an exercise log. Although one exercise guru suggested putting a before picture on the refrigerator, I think this quote from Margaret Thatcher would be more effective. “You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it”. That’s how England’s prime minister dealt with the weight on her shoulders and it should work just as well for other parts of the body.

Sixty-four percent of American bodies are overweight and the other thirty-four percent think they know what to do about it. One blogger suggested overweight people should pay more for gas because extra pounds require more gas to move them. It seems the blogger didn’t understand that requiring more gas requires more to be purchased and thus overweight people already pay more for gas. It seems many solutions for weight problems come from lightweights.

Another solution may be grapefruit. According to a recent study, eating grapefruit before each meal will make it easier to lose weight. In the study ninety-one obese patients added grapefruit to their regular diets. This resulted in an average loss of four pounds in twelve weeks. The researchers attributed this to grapefruit having compounds that improve insulin resistance and that facilitate fat loss. When eight ounces of unsweetened grapefruit juice were substituted for the fruit, the average loss was three pounds in twelve weeks. If gin were added to the before-dinner grapefruit juice – making a greyhound cocktail – the loss would undoubtedly be less; but would we care as much?

Experts at the University of South Carolina say we should care about walking. They say walking an easy three miles per hour – which is twenty minutes per mile – for thirty minutes five times a week provides enough exercise to protect us cardiovascularly, as well as to increase our longevity. For those of us who don’t think we have an extra thirty minutes in our day, there’s plan B. The same results can be achieved by splitting the time into smaller segments – as long as each segment is at least ten minutes. Not being able to find three, ten-minute segments in our day would itself be a weighty problem.

KNIGHT PIERCE HIRST takes humorous looks at life.
Take a minute to make yourself smile at
http://knightwatch.typepad.com

Shouldn’t The “Me” In Environment Be “We”?

When I think environment, I think Smokey Bear. Smokey was created in 1944 by the Ad Council and has been part of the longest running public service campaign in U.S. history. In 1952, however, song writers Steve Nelson and Jack Rollins tried to change Smokey’s name. When they wrote their hit “Smokey The Bear”, they gave Smokey “The” for a middle name to improve the rhythm of their song. Obviously, they couldn’t deal with the bear facts.

Americans can’t deal with plastic bags. Plastic bags are everywhere – blowing in the wind, stuck in bushes, clogging roadside drains and filling bellies of sea turtles. Because these bags are cheap, sturdy and easy to store, they have taken over 80% of the grocery and convenience store market since being introduced in the 1970’s. Between 500 billion and a trillion bags are used worldwide every year. The bags that make it to landfills take hundreds of years to decompose; and as they decompose, toxins seep into the soils, lakes, rivers and oceans. Countries like Australia, South Africa and Ireland have taxed these bags. In fact, the tax in Ireland has caused a 95% reduction in the use of plastic bags. Is it just me or does a tax make good cents?

Plastic bottles are everywhere too – in parks, along roadsides and filling landfills – but that isn’t the worst part. Ninety percent of environmental damage from plastic water bottles occurs before they are opened. This is because those bottles leave a carbon footprint big enough to trip over. Twenty-nine billion plastic water bottles are used yearly in the U.S. Making those bottles requires nearly 900,000 tons of plastic, which is the equivalent of more than 17 million barrels of crude oil. Pumping, processing, transporting and refrigerating the water increase the amount of oil used to 50 million barrels. That’s enough to run 3 million cars for a year. While we’re drinking water for our health, we’re killing the environment by ignoring facts that hold water.

Unfortunately, other environmental threats aren’t as obvious as plastic pollution. Nitrogen trifluoride is used to make flat screen televisions and microchips. Scientists say this gas has 17,000 times the global warming effect as carbon dioxide. Nitrogen trifluoride isn’t measured in the atmosphere and it isn’t regulated by international treaty. Nitrogen trifluoride is one of the unseen threats to our environment. What we need to see is change.

KNIGHT PIERCE HIRST takes humorous looks at life.
Take a minute to make yourself smile at
http://knightwatch.typepad.com

How ter Cure Stress Quickly and Effectively

Though this article contains valuable and useful information on curing stress, it’s also meant to be humorous. This article is written in cockney. So let’s have some fun!

Stress is the feelin’ yer cop wen yer begin ter worry, breathe rapidly, right, and tense yor scalp, Nanny Goat Race, or neck muscles. The bleedin’ stress response were critical for the survival of us ancestors ‘oo were constantly exposed ter the dangers of predators such as the bloomin’ saber-tooffed tiger.

Wile stressed, right, large amounts of adrenaline were released into their blood, makin’ us ancestors stronger, right, faster, and more alert – enablin’ them ter escape danger.

Stress started out as a necessary response. But as ‘umans became more and more civilized and industrialized, ultimately leavin’ the bloomin’ jungle behind, right, the bleedin’ stress response became less and less necessary. Right.

THE PROBLEM

The bloomin’ problem is that the chuffin’ human environment evolved faster than the bloody human body, leavin’ us wiv the maladaptive response called stress.

Currently, we’re no longer bein’ chased by wild animals tryin’ ter eat us. Neverffeless, right, we’re bein’ chased by financial, right, marital, or occupational Barney Rubble; and we react ter ffese Barney Rubbles the bloomin’ same way as bein’ chased by wild animals.

Fough we don’t physically run or fight, large amounts of adrenaline cop released into us bloodstream, acceleratin’ us breafink, tensin’ us muscles, and ‘eightenin’ us alertness.

Vigorous physical activity is necessary ter help the bloomin’ body de-stress itself. Us ancestors did this by fightin’ or runnin’ oray from predators.

Since financial, right, marital, and occupational Barney Rubbles don’t necessarily involve vigorous physical activity, our bodies don’t de-stress properly, right, leavin’ us wiv tense muscles, right, high blood pressure, right, headaches, skin rash, and mental agitation.

Wiv all us pent-up stress, it’s no wonder that ‘eart disease is one of the leadin’ causes of deaff among present-day blokes, do wot guvnor!

Yer may be sayin’ right about now: “Okay, I’m under a bit of stress. Wot can I do about it?” There are five fings yer can do: exercise, meditate, progressively relax, right, pray, and affirm.

EXERCISE

Exercise is the most natural way ter de-stress yor body. After all, this is ‘ow yor ancestors de-stressed. The need ter exercise is almost ‘ardwired into the human body. Aerobic exercises such as walkin’, right, runnin’, swimmin’, and dancin’ are right effective de-stressors. If yer aerobically exercise daily, yer’ll ‘ave no Barney Rubble de-stressin’.

“But wot if I’ve no time ter aerobically exercise,” yer say. Peraps yer work 80 ‘ours per week, leavin’ yer wiv right wee time to go walkin’, right, runnin’, swimmin’, right, or dancin’.

Yer can still exercise, right, if yer choose a time-efficient non-aerobic exercise such as isometrics. Ravver than improvin’ blood circulation and oxygen consumption as aerobic exercise does, isometrics just strengffens muscles. Yer can’t ‘ave a knees-up wivout a joanna.

Isometrics involves contractin’ specific muscle groups wiv wee movement if any:

1.) For example, if yer want ter strengffen yor figh muscles, wile standin’, right, yer can bend yor knees at a 90-degree angle and ‘old that position for as long as possible. Doin’ this particular exercise will only take a few seconds ter a few minutes.

2.) To strengffen yor chest muscles, yer can do a push-up ter the bloody halfway point and ‘old that position for as long as possible.

3.) To strengffen yor stomach muscles, yer can do a partial sit-up ter a 30-degree angle and ‘old that position for as long as possible.

4.) I fink yer cop the point. Wiv a wee creative finkin’, yer can come up wiv isometric exercises for almost any muscle group.

I exercise all of me muscle groups daily by doin’ isometric exercises, and it only takes me approximately 15 minutes per day! Blimey!

MEDITATION

Meditation is anuvver way ter cure stress. Meditation is an ancient practice originatin’ from the Far East. Fough there are different ways ter meditate, all of the ways consist of slowin’ dahn one’s breabugger, deepenin’ one’s breabugger, right, and focusin’ one’s mind on a particular fin’.

Breafink and the stress response are intimately related. In order ter be fully stressed, right, yer must breathe rapidly and shallowly. The slower and deeper yer breaffe, the chuffin’ less stressed yer’ll be, ultimately eliminatin’ stress altogeffer.

Are yer feelin’ stressed, then, guv? Ready ter meditate, isit? Okay, let’s do it. Yer can’t ‘ave a knees-up wivout a joanna:

1.) First, eever sit dahn slouchily in a comfortable chair or lie dahn in a comfortable bed.

2.) Next, relax yor breafink until yer’re breafink slowly, rhyffmically, right, and deeply. Make sure yer’re breafink frough yor belly and not yor chest. To ensure this, place yor ‘ands on yor belly. Yor ‘ands should rise up and dahn.

3.) Next, right, it’s time ter focus yor mind on a particular fin’. So each time yer exhale air from yor belly, yer’re ter say or fink the number one.

4.) Do this for about 30 minutes daily.

Meditation de-stresses yer in two ways. The slow, rhyffmic, and deep breabugger calms yor body. The chuffin’ sayin’ or finkin’ the chuffin’ number one durin’ each exhalation focuses yor mind, right, preventin’ it from worryin’.

PROGRESSIVE RELAXATION

If yer talk ter a psychuvverapist about yor stress problem, right, he’ll probably recommend that yer do progressive relaxation regularly ter help yer de-stress. Progressive relaxation works particularly well on relaxin’ tense muscles.

Chronically tense muscles can be right painful, init? The tension can brin’ sharp pain and pressure ter yor ‘ead, jor, neck, and ’round yor mince pies. It can even cause ‘erky-jerky movements of yor loaf of bread or Nanny Goat Race, publicly embarrassin’ yer.

Do yer feel like yor loaf of bread is in a vice, isit? Yes, then, eh? Then let’s progressively relax:

1.) First, lie dahn relaxedly in a comfortable bed. Yer can’t ‘ave a knees-up wivout a joanna.

2.) Then tense and relax each muscle group, startin’ from yor scalp muscles and workin’ dahn ter yor feet muscles, do wot guvnor!

3.) Some muscle groups may still be tense. If so, begin tensin’ and relaxin’ these muscle groups only. Repeat until they become completely relaxed.

4.) Do this for about 30 minutes daily.

PRAYER

Currently, prayer is a controversial practice. It’s been banned from public schools. Yer can’t ‘ave a knees-up wivout a joanna. Furffermore, researchers ‘oo ‘ave studied the effectiveness of prayer are divided. Some say prayer effectively changes fings; uvvers say it’s useless. Yer can’t ‘ave a knees-up wivout a joanna.

Despite the controversy and disagreement, right, prayer can be right effective in eliminatin’ stress, init? It does so in two ways: First, prayer allows yer ter vent yor problems ter a ‘igher Power that never interrupts yer. Second, prayer encourages yer ter ffink positive – because it makes yer believe that a ‘igher Power is ‘elpin’ and empowerin’ yer.

As yer know, right, ventin’ yor problems, frustrations, right, and worries ter a right good listener makes yer feel a ‘oole lot better – a ‘oole lot calmer. That’s why muckers are important. Right. And if yer don’t ‘ave any muckers, yer always ‘ave a ‘igher Power ter vent to.

Negative finkers are the most stressed-out group of blokes. If yer’ve ever met any fairy ‘oo is paranoid or clinically depressed, yer’ll know wot I mean. So the more positive yor finkin’ is, the more relaxed yer’ll be. And if yer aren’t born positive, right, yer can always make yorself positive by prayin’.

AFFIRMATIONS

An affirmation is an idea that yer deliberately fink about over and over again. Theoretically, an affirmation is sposed ter change yor current situation ter a more positive one. Yer can’t ‘ave a knees-up wivout a joanna.

For example, if yer’re a college student and want ter improve yor grades, yer can say ter yorself: “I’m an ‘A’ student. I’ll get out me spoons. I always cop ‘A’s on me tests and assignments.” If yer say this several times a day wiv feelin’, yer’re sposed ter be more motivated ter study, ffus improvin’ yor grades, init?

The Affirmation Theory makes intuitive sense: If yer mentally focus on a particular fin’ often, yer’re probably gonna be right motivated to go after it, right, eventually achievin’ the right fin’ that yer were focused on.

Affirmations can be used ter attain almost anyfink, right, includin’ inner peace. Let’s say that yer’re right stressed-out and need ter come up wiv an effective affirmation ter de-stress yorself. Let’s say that yer’re also a Christian.

Given this, yer should choose a Christian affirmation that promotes inner peace. Right. Why a Christian affirmation, eh? Because yer already believe that it’s true! Honest guv!

Instead of workin’ ‘ard ter convince yorself that a particular secular affirmation is true, right, if yer choose a Christian affirmation, yer don’t ‘ave ter work ‘ard.

Now let’s ‘ave a look at the followin’ Christian passage John 14:26-27 (New International Version):

“But the Counselor, the chuffin’ Holy Spirit, right, ‘oom the bloomin’ Favver will send in me name, will teach you lot fings and will remind yer of evryfink I ‘ave said ter yer. Peace I leave wiv yer; me peace I give yer. I do not give ter yer as the bleedin’ world gives. Do not let yor ‘earts be Barney Rubbled and do not be afraid.”

Simply put, this passage appears ter be sayin’ that God, in Jesus’ name, will send yer the Holy Spirit. And the Holy Spirit appears ter be peace-givin’. So yer can affirm, right, “I’m filled wiv the bloomin’ Holy Spirit, right, therefore I’m filled wiv peace.”

Don’t yer feel yor stress just melt oray, isit?

CONCLUSION

This article discusses five ‘igh-grade meffods ter cure yor stress quickly and effectively. Wich meffod should yer use, then, luv? That depends on yor personality type.

1.) If yer’re affletic, yer may want ter use the bloomin’ exercise meffod of curin’ stress. Exercise is the bleedin’ most natural meffod ter de-stress yor body. Even animals use this meffod ter de-stress. Yer can’t ‘ave a knees-up wivout a joanna. If yer’re right stressed-out, I fink that yer should, at the right least, use the exercise meffod.

2.) If yer’re spiritual, yer may want ter use the meditation or prayer meffod of curin’ stress. Meditation and prayer ‘ave been used by monks, priests, yogis, sages, and uvver enlightened individuals to attain a deep state of peace. Wiv practice, yer too can attain a deep state of peace by usin’ meditation or prayer.

3.) If yer’re psychological, yer may want ter use the progressive relaxation meffod of curin’ stress. This meffod is popularly recommended by social workers, counselors, and psychologists. Progressive relaxation particularly works well on loosenin’ tight muscles.

4.) Or if yer’re scientific, right, yer may want ter use the bloody affirmation meffod of curin’ stress. Cor blimey guv, would I lie to you? Affirmations ‘ave been recommended by Napoleon ‘ill (Fink & Grow Rich), Claude M. Bristol (The bleedin’ Magic of Believin’), Norman Vincent Peale (The bloody Power of Positive Finkin’), and ter some extent Rhonda Byrne (The Secret).

The bloody Affirmation Theory states that foughts affect emotions; emotions affect behaviors; behaviors affect situations. Right. Scientists ‘ave proven these causal links ter exist.

Experiment; try them all; spot wich meffod works Mae West for yer. Yer can’t ‘ave a knees-up wivout a joanna.

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